Theres no need to cry about it
Two blondes walk into a department store...
...you think one of them would have seen it
Joined: 18 Apr 07
hey , did you know that a woman is giving birth to a child every 10 seconds why isn't anybody stopping her lol x**x wat u think of that ?
i went to blockbuster and asked if i could have batman forever,
he said no you got to bring it back tomorrow!
Joined: 23 Apr 06
my grandfather doesn't hear anymore so he has to read lips i dont mind him reading lips but he uses one of these yellow hi-lighters
Have a good laugh!
An eighteen-year-old girl tells her mom that she iz pregnant Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them, Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. however, I can't marry her because of my personal familysituation, but I'll take charge.""If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $5,000,000bank account.If it is twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him;"Then you try again...and do ur best this time ''.
[quote="Chelsealad_"]What goes Blonde, Brunette, Blonde, Brunette Blonde, Brunette? Madonna Doing Cartwheels
Did you hear about the company that's hiring only blondes ... to lighten its overhead.
Why aren't blondes allowed to take coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them.
Why can't blondes be pharmacists? They can't get the bottle in the typewriter.
Did you hear that the only job for blondes is at the candy factory proofreading M&M's?
Why was the blonde fired from the M&M factory? She kept throwing out the W's!
Where I work, we have a blonde who is so d**b, she thinks "manual labor" is a Mexican! She also thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
What did the blonde say when asked to spell her name? "H-E-R N-A-M-M."
How can you tell when a blonde has been using your computer? From the whiteout all over the screen.
What do you call a blonde driving a car? An air bag.
A blonde was on her way to California when she saw a sign that said "Clean Restrooms Ahead." By the time she hit the coast, she had cleaned 78 of them.
What goes "VROOOM SCREECH! VROOOM SCREECH! VROOOM SCREECH?" A blonde at a flashing red light.
Two blonds were walking along the road when they came upon some tracks. One of them said, "looks like deer tracks." The other one said, "looks like moose tracks." They were still arguing when the train hit them.
Two blondes were driving to Disneyland when they saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left." So they turned around and went home.
What did the blonde say when she went to check if her turn signal was working? "Yes it is ... no it isn't ... yes it is ...."
A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked her how many pieces she wanted it sliced into, six or twelve? "Six," she said, "I could never eat twelve pieces!"
How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook? She gets the Pop-Tart out of the toaster in one piece.
How can you tell when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? There are M&M shells all over the floor.
What do you call it when Suzanne Somers tries to teach Madonna how to cook? The blonde leading the blonde.
What did the blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios? "Oh look, doughnut seeds!"
Why does a blonde eat beans on Saturday? So she can take a bubble bath on Sunday.
Why don't blondes like pickles? They keep getting their heads stuck in the jar.
Why don't blondes like Twinkies? The cellophane gets caught in their teeth.
Why don't blondes make Kool-Aid? They can't figure out how to get two quarts of water in that little package.
A blonde was pregnant for a second time so she asked her husband if they needed to get married again.
Did you hear about the blonde housewife who was mad at her husband? He was out shooting craps and she didn't know how to cook them.
Did you hear about the blonde who lost 85% of her brains? Her husband died.
Did you hear about the blonde who thought her typewriter was pregnant? Seems it was skipping periods.
Did you hear about the pregnant blonde who went to the grocery store because she heard they had free delivery?
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Oh, I hope it's mine!"
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem.
How come the blonde had a square chest? She forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box.
Why do blondes have beehive hairdos? So nothing goes over their heads.
Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? To remind them that "Toes Go In First."
Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? So they won't hurt their ears when they shake their heads saying "Like, I don't know."
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? Give her your credit card and tell her she can buy all the shoulder pads she wants.
How do you kill a blonde? Put spikes in her shoulder pads.
A brunette says, "Look, there's a dead bird." A blonde looks up and asks, "Where?"
A d**b blonde, a smart blonde and Santa Claus are walking down the street when they spot a $100 bill. Who picks it up? The d**b blonde -- the other two are make-believe.
Did you hear about the blonde who only smelled good on the right side? She didn't know where to buy Left Guard.
What about the blonde who stayed up all night studying for a u***e test?
Did you hear about the blonde who thought a sanitary belt was a drink from a clean glass?
Did you hear about the blonde who was two hours late getting home because the escalator got stuck?
How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawn mower? The green WELCOME mat is ripped all the shreds.
How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries? She has a checkbook.
How did the blonde break her arm raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
How do you confuse a blonde? Give her a pack of M&M's and tell her to put them in alphabetical order.
How do you drown a blonde? Put a mirror in the bathtub.
How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree? Wave.
How do you measure a blonde's IQ? With a tire gauge.
How do you put a twinkle in a blonde's eye? Shine a flashlight in her ear.
How does a blonde hemophiliac cure herself? With acupuncture!
How does a blonde kill a fish? She drowns it.
I knew a suicidal blonde. Dyed by her own hands.
If a blonde and a brunette fell out of an airplane, who would land first? The brunette because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.
What did the blonde name her pet Zebra? Spot.
What did the blonde yell in an emergency? "What's the number of 911?"
What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up.
What do four blondes have in common? Nothing they can think of.
What do you call 25 blondes piled on top of each other? An air mattress.
What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A space.
What do you call a blonde in leather jacket? A rebel without a clue!
What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair brunette? Artificial intelligence.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted.
What do you call a brunette between two blondes? An interpreter.
What do you call a group of blondes sitting in a circle? A dope ring.
What do you call an intelligent blonde? A golden retriever.
What do you call ten blondes standing in a row? A wind tunnel.
What do you call three blondes in a corner? An air pocket.
What do you call three blondes in a freezer? Frosted flakes.
What do you do if a blonde throws a hand grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
What is a blonde doing when she grasps at thin air? Collecting her thoughts.
What's similar about UFO's and a smart blonde? You keep hearing about them, but never see one ....
What's similar about the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and a smart blonde? They're all make-believe.
Why can't blondes fart? They don't shut up long enough to build up the pressure.
Why did 18 blondes go to the R-rated movie? Because they heard that under 17 was not admitted.
Why did the blonde climb the chain link fence? To see what was on the other side.
Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? Isn't that where you wash your vegetables?
Why do you take a blonde shopping with you? So you can park in the handicapped zone.
What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? The winner of a Hide and Seek game.
What happened to the blonde terrorist who tried to blow up a bus? She burned her lips on the exhaust pipe.
How do you change a blonde's mind? Blow in her ear.
Joined: 19 Aug 06
12 Step Recovery Program For Web Addicts
Step1 I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
Step2 I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
Step3 I will get dressed before noon.
Step4 I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
Step5 I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
Step6 I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
Step7 I will read a book... if I still remember how.
Step8 I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
Step9 I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
Step10 I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
Step11 I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
Step12 Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow
Why was the blonde fired from the M&M factory? She kept throwing out the E's and W's!
This post has been edited 1 time. The last edit took place 14.08.07, 18:20.
Joined: 3 Jul 05
Joined: 16 Jan 07
Quote of user: Crash Boom BangMommy,... I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the Woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss. Then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an Interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."!
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her Shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Moral : Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.
nice one crah
This topic has 2,262 posts, spanning 227 pages.