My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes.
He's a catholic converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller",
He said "Not you again"

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot".
I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches,
for example that Goran, even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags.
He's bisatchel.

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?"
I said "I've been on telly, but I'm no Tom Cruise".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
He said "How flexible are you?"
I said "I can't make Tuesdays".


Hope they made you laugh

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?"
He said "OK then"
I said "Nearest to bull starts".
He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur.
I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah.
I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything.
Trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.
I can hardly contain myself.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose
and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".
I said "Waiter, I asked for A-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition
and I won a years supply of Marmite... one jar.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.
I said, "Are you two an item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins.
I thought "That's a turtle disaster"

you'll have to do better than that - Christmas cracker jokes at their worst!

i agree

Maybe it's just me, but I loved em

it's just you

is that better

Read n enjoy .....


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Husband & Wife- Come Home Late


A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home
late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the
neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock
in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that
cured him. "Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbour said, "
You see, his name is Bill ."

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Husband & Wife- Why divorce?

In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to
divorce my husband." "But why ?" asked the judge. She replied, "Because he
is not faithful to me." The judge asked, "How do you know ?" She replied, "
My lord, not a single child resembles him ."

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Husband & Wife- Love Your Enemy

From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after
I die I want you to marry Samy." "Samy! But he is your enemy !" "Yes, I
know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now ."

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Husband & Wife- Wedding Ring


At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your
wedding ring on the wrong finger? " The other replied, " Yes I am, I
married the wrong man. "
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Husband & Wife- Why?


" Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home
that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's
arms. " Why, Dad ? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then
coolly said, " Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax ."

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Husband & Wife- Same Service


A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first
married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers
and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's
all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs
around barking." "Why complain?" said the counselor. " You're still
getting the same service !"
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Husband & Wife- Talk About Husband


One woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her
husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but
have I ever said anything bad about him ?"
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Husband & Wife- Love To Do

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door
and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her
every time they meet. Why don't you do that?" "I would love to." Replied
the husband. " But I don't know her well enough ."
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Husband & Wife- No Answer Back


A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts
shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer
her." One of his friends asked."And when you are angry, what do you do?"
The man replied, " I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the
house and none of them dares to answer bac k.

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Husband & Wife- Problem Father

"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" He replied,
"I'm going to be a father." "But that's wonderful," I said. " What's
wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it ye t.